I cried.
Really filled with emotions when i saw those blogs..

"在我心中曾经有一个梦
要用歌声让你忘了所有的痛
灿烂星空谁是真的英雄
平凡的人们给我最多感动
再没有恨也没有了痛
但愿人间处处都有爱的影踪
用我们的歌换你真心笑容
祝福你的人生从此与众不同
把握生命里的每一分钟
全力以赴我 们心中的梦
不经历风雨怎么见彩虹
没有人能随随便便成功
把握生命里每一次感动
和心爱的朋友热情相拥
让真心的话和开心的泪
在你我的心里流动"

I saw that the problem and reason why Val died was very similiar to mine..

Things between me and coma..
its like almost the same situation..
Only that,
i can't let go.
I really can't just leave ES,
I really can't just leave kim jie,
I really can't just leave fatal kor,
I really can't just leave him.

I just can't bear to quit.
Its hurting me very badly.
I just, couldn't.
People said i was foolish,
but i just can't.

Having sleepless nights..
Else its just crying myself to sleep.
I can't sleep.
And,
So sorry about this emo post.

You know..
When i realised that he might have that intention in mind for getting close to me..
i didn't even hated him..
I only asked myself:
What have i done wrong that made him do this to me?
What am i to him? A toy?
Where's the love in people..?
Why am i being played?
What am i going to do?

I really hav millions of question to ask myself..
Yet, its only questions without any answers.

Another 2 problem appeared..
Both are from the people i cared about the most..
Whatever it is, i'll be supported you morally.
Regardless whether ur decision is a harsh, incorrect one.
Cause i know,
that's what ure determined to do.

I was crying when i read the posts on the blog..

Quoted from the blog..

"From Sanni.
Dear Val and her family,

I am so sorry.
I brought up my courage to write this, I sent an email to Chenghao about what harm I had done to you all these years, maybe is my guilty that makes me to write to Chenghao, he was angry and he wrote an email back to me “you don’t ask for my forgiveness you should ask Val to forgive you.” Yesterday morning, Chenghao send the email to Pam, she got so angry and came to my place and gave me 2 slaps and said she’s going to end our friendship. She told me I should post it on ryan’s blog to tell everyone how bad I am and Pam said she will never forgive me. I am sad and guilty. That day when Pam broke the news to me about your death I thought I will be very happy because all these years I want you to be dead. My jealousy towards to you was started when the very first day I know you and gradually become hatred when I know Tian loves you because I love him. I was so hurt and angry that you don’t even like him and yet he waited for you all these years and I want you to die.

The first day I saw you was in the class when you came you were brought by the Principal and I though who is this girl so 大牌. A long hair girl, big eyes and smile with 2 timples (酒窝). I thought to myself wow she is so beautiful, the boys next door came outside to see making such a big commotion. The class started and that day the teacher gave us a topic “what will you like to be when you grow up.” Some say police, teachers, doctors and lawyers and when our teacher asked you and you said you want to be the most outstanding housewife, the whole class laugh at you and the teachers smile. Pam told me that we have to get to know you, she is always a 大姐to me. So she went to talk to you and you were so happy. Pam and I have family problems so we stick together and when I found out that you are from rich family I was jealous and Pam has began so close to you. When I was having my chicken pot and stay at home for 2 weeks you 2 become closer. I found out that when I came back to School Pam had started to talk to her parents she changed a lot when I came back. I found that you have a great influence to her and I told myself this has to stop. So I back stepped you and told all girls that you are a bitch don’t talk to you and also you are always surrounded by boys and they are jealous too. There was once when we have fun fair, I am surprised that Pam’s parent came and they talk to you for quite a while and they told Pam that she should stick around with you more. I was very upset and jealous because I began to feel Pam is moving more to your side so I told myself I must get to know you more and I must get rid of you. When you left our school I was very happy but still Pam keep contacting you and I told myself this has got to end. Whenever you went to new school and start to know girls there I will ask you to introduce to us and when you are not around I will tell them how bad you are and girls will start to stop talking to you.

My jealousy has grown to hatred began one day 5 years ago almost 6 years when Pam introduce someone to you. That person I like for very long time and that is Tian (Pam’s brother friend) and I began to see that Tian starts to like you from the day he knows you. I told myself, why I can’t be as perfect as you, you are beautiful, intelligent, caring, very rich and even cook you can cook so well and you can have everything I was very angry. I try means and ways to harm you and in front of them I will be very nice to you but behind them I will sarcastic and shouted at you but you did not get angry with me.

I went so much so that I was trying to drug you last year, I gave you a small packet of powder and told you is baking flour and ask you using the flour to bake cake and you believe me and I almost killed you that day. You did not sell me out, nobody knows this and in fact you got scolding from you dad when you are back from the hospital. I am also the one who ask people to stalk on you last year and you whole entire family was very frightened because your dad has to go to Yunnan for 2 weeks and nobody at home. I saw Tian, Chenghao, Samuel and Joshua keep going to your place make sure you are ok and there are guards around. My attempt failed and I was angry.

I know you are very close to zijian and that time he was having operation you are so worry for him and when I say bad things about him saying that he will become 残废forever you are so angry with me. You told me “Please remember don’t spike on others, I never spike on you” I was angry I told myself this zijian has great influence on you I must get rid of him. I keep telling you how bad he is and everything even I don’t know him as I know that Chenghao knew him but yet you are not moved by anything that I say.

I was the one who bluff your dad that zijian was your boyfriend and he took your phone away from you this year and don’t let anyone contact you for a couple of months just to punish you that you have break the promise between you 2 . I asked someone to go to your place again the second time and I want him to do something bad to you, probably your father began to sense danger on you and he decided to sent you away though he have no evidences. Before you went to New York I asked you to go Orchard Road and you secretly came, I purposely borrowed the phone from you and I copied someone telephone number from your phone. I purposely pushed you and make you injured your leg. You can’t walk that day so you called your Uncle Ali to fetch you back. I was happy because most slightly your trip will be postpone, when you told me your dad’s not going to postpone the trip I decided to go to your place make you injured the second time. I pester you to take something down from the store and while taking something down I purposely knock the chair and let you fell down but you looks fine to me and I told myself I must let you injured more so when you are sending me off, I purposely push you and you fell down from your house staircase and you knocked at the staircase beam. You knew I did all this on purpose and yet you kept quiet. So when I found out your trip had been postpone I was very happy but my evil plan to you has failed because your dad don’t let you step out of your house.

The day when you off to New York, I told myself I must get in touch with you because I knew when you are lonely anything I say will make you depressed. We chat in gmail because you cannot download your msn. I keep giving you negative inputs and make you feel the whole world is against you and you started to begin to get insomnia and depressed and you cannot eat and will start to chat with me. Sat and Sun is the worst for you because you will feel even more lonely and I am the only one who knew that and I am the only one who talked to you.

When I saw what tian wrote in his blog that his greatest wish is to marry valval I was very angry. I told myself you must die, and if you die he will look at me. All along you knew I have been sleeping around with many guys you will ask me to stop being flirt and I hate it when you told me that. That day I was back home and a bit drunk around 3+am, I told myself today you must die. I knew that you were having some problems with your dad and so I told myself today is the best time for you to die because when you are depressed everything I said you will not be able to take it . So we chat on the Gmail and I told you I have been sleeping around with your friends and you don’t believe until I give you one of the number and you realize that I don’t know him and yet I have his number. I began to realize you believe me and yet you still going strong. I told you the harm I had done to you and you were shocked and sad, and I even told you I am going to harm your brother and zijian and you told me why I wanted to do that they are just being innocent. I told you only when you die, Tian will start to loves me and only when you die your brother will be left un-harm. You said to me if you die will I let the matter rest and I say yes. So you said 就当我上辈子我欠你的， 我统统一次还给你，如有来世我希望我们互不相欠到此结束。And you off line.

When you die I did not feel guilty in the beginning, until I saw 2 letters from you to me. The first was you ask Pam to email to me and that was to inform me officially that you are dead and the second one was you sent directly to me. You said:

“My friend, I am so sorry that because of my overly caring and concerned over all these years to you had brought to you misery. I was thinking to myself you are getting bad to worst and everybody had shoved away from you and if I leave you, you will leave with no more friends. If my death can stop you from misery and upset and stop you from harming my brother and friend, I am willing to do it. My brother is the most precious to me so please promise me that you will rest the matter and don't harm him if I die. Farewell my friend, find a nice decent guy to marry don’t flirt anymore that is my last advice to you my dear friend.”

I am sorry Val, sorry for what I did. I thought I will be happy if you die but it is not true I felt guilty now. I am so sorry.

Sanni… "

Really matched the story between me and coma..
Does she really want me to disappear or else she won't be happy..?
It all leads to a question mark.

Felt so much like taking a break.
But kim needs me now.
(ure not a burden, ure important to me in my life.)

tatas~!
p/s: I won't suicide.

rained @ 6:39 PM